stonebender: (Default)
I can't really talk about most of what is bothering me, but every time I start feeling like maybe I have a better handle on things in life. Life makes it absolutely clear I'm not even in the right league. This may be the last time I do many things. Not worth the emotional trauma.
stonebender: (Default)
My partners and I have talked about this type of thing for a long time. I couldn't see enough of how the controls worked to know whether it will really be useful to me, but I Really Want This!
stonebender: (Default)
[personal profile] [personal profile] jesse_the_k has given me the letter F.

Something I hate: fear

Something I love: film

Somewhere I have been: Freemont

Somewhere I would like to go: France

Someone I know: Fabian Franchi

Best movie: Fight Club

If you comment asking for a letter, I will provide!
stonebender: (Default)
Posting for my own benefit, a dream I had yesterday. Carol and I are watching a video on television. The music playing is Alex Clare's song "To Close". But it didn't have Alex in the video. I seem to have matched up the music with perhaps a Timberlake video but no Justin either. The video was black and white and had a man in a sleeveless tuxedo and no shirt underneath. So you see the man's arms and some of his chest. The man was heavily tattooed, but tattooed in an old-fashioned way. I think of the tattoos being sailor type tattoos. Anchors and hearts and the massive ships on the ocean. The tattoos are fuzzy and badly drawn.

So I start criticizing the tattoos and as I badmouth them Carol says to me, "Well you're one to talk, yours are exactly alike." With that I look down at myself and I do have tattoos almost exactly like the guy in the video. I look up to Carol and say: "Well, you're right, but I wear my tattoos ironically."
stonebender: (Default)
Last weekend I attended another FOGcon 4 committee meeting. Things seem to be chugging along. Eli Bishop is contributing his talents towards our program book cover this year. We got our first chance to look at it Saturday. It's beautiful take a look,
here.
stonebender: (Default)
Does everyone knows I'm Chairing FOGcon 4 this year. We just reached a big milestone. Program sign-ups are live! Remember, the convention is coming soon we only have about eight weeks till March 7. You have until February 21 to buy a membership online. After that you must buy your membership at the door. Once you by your membership you can go through the programming sign-up. You can tell is what program you'd be interested in participating in or just let us know what programming looks good to you. I hope to see at least some of you in Walnut Creek this March.
stonebender: (Default)
I've been having a rough time lately, but managed to get out of my house yesterday to see my therapist (the first time in weeks and weeks). I've been feeling a little weak, so instead of schlepping from Telegraph all the way to Tuk-Tuk Thai Cafe on Shattuck (as is our custom). I decided to try this new place on Telegraph near my therapist Rangoon Superstars. [personal profile] loracs and I over ordered as we tend to do at a new restaurant.

We both just loved the place. I can't remember what soup we had, but it had like a potato dumpling in it. On the spicy side for me, but I'm a wimp and I still liked it. We had salt and pepper calamari which was amazingly tender. [personal profile] loracs loved the jalapenos that went with it. I was able to eat around the jalapenos and enjoyed the appetizer quite a bit. I had some garlic noodles with duck. She had a shrimp dish. I discovered a new favorite drink: Burmese Milk Tea.

I was happy to run into [personal profile] serene as she walked home from work. Lots of vegetarian options probably several vegan ones as well.
stonebender: (Default)
It wasn't a surprise, but I'm still oddly sad that this morning I found this in my inbox. For those who missed it, read this for some backround.
stonebender: (Default)
Last night, almost 24 hours ago I passed out. [personal profile] loracs and I were coming back from a movie after having eaten Thanksgiving dinner. I had some gastric distress and felt pretty tired. So I asked [personal profile] loracs to put me to bed. I went to the bathroom, but still wasn't feeling so good. I had her put me to bed and roll me on my side half way onto my stomach. So I could try to squeeze out the Hindenburg of gas still in my intestines.

My head was on a pillow and my nose was a little stuffed, but I felt fine. She put the blanket on me to keep me warm and the sheet fell over my face. I knew it was there but it didn't seem to obstruct my breathing and I only planned to be laying on my side for a few minutes. I thought about asking her to remove the sheet, but I honestly felt fine about leaving it there.

[personal profile] loracs went to the study to give me some privacy, and I got to work. After a while, I started having trouble getting my breath. I wasn't scared, it wasn't a big deal. It was just uncomfortable. So I called [personal profile] loracs. No answer. I called louder and still no answer. I kept calling trying to get louder, but I started feeling like I couldn't breathe at all.

I tried to calm down. I tried to concentrate on breathing, but I didn't feel like I was getting much oxygen. Pippin, my dog, jumped on the bed and did what she usually does which is go get [personal profile] loracs. At least I think she went to [personal profile] loracs. I did hear her bark, but Pippin has been barking more lately because we are doing some home remodeling and she doesn't enjoy all the changes. I tried one more time to call [personal profile] loracs and still couldn't call out loud enough. Things started getting blurry and darker. I felt my throat completely close up. The last thing I remember thinking was: What a stupid way to die...

The next thing I knew, there were three big burly guys in my bedroom asking me questions. "Do you know who the president is?"

"Obama?" I answered.

"How old are you?"

"55"

"What year is it?"

I turned to [personal profile] loracs because the answer wouldn't come immediately. She shrugged waiting for my answer and then it came to me. "2013"

The answers seemed to satisfy them. I noticed every breath I took improved my mental state. Turns out they checked my O2 and it was at 92%. 95 to 100 is what I've been told is normal. I already felt like my O2 level was going up. After my bout with pneumonia years ago, I have some experience with these things. The paramedics wanted me to go to the hospital. They checked my heart and it seemed to be functioning normally. I tried to tell them that, because of my disability, I was unable to move my head when my airway got obstructed. I think they thought there was some other cause but I was pretty sure there wasn't.

So I'm fine now, but it was scary. [personal profile] loracs said when she came to check on me I was blue and unresponsive. She dialed 911 and tried to get me to react. She was just getting ready to try what she remembered of CPR when my eyes opened and I seemed to start breathing. I don't remember any of this. I really only came to after the paramedics got here.

I'll call my regular doctor after the holidays just to double check, but I'm feeling physically normal and only periodically freaked out for a minute or two.

[personal profile] loracs is blaming herself and I feel like if she is at fault, I'm at least 50% at fault as well. I thought about telling her to move the sheet, but it really didn't feel like it was obstructing my breathing, until it started obstructing my breathing. It was an accident. A scary accident. I'm certainly glad she was here to revive me.
stonebender: (Default)
My morning attendant gave her two week notice Tuesday. I haven't had to look for new workers much in my life. I tend to hang on to the ones I hire and often before they leave my employment they have another family member or friend who wants the job. To me this is nice for stability sake, but he does make me feel like whatever abilities I need to interview and higher a new worker atrophy before I need to use them. So here I am in the unusual position of needing to higher a new person. In the old days there used to be an informal network of people with disabilities who knew who was looking for work or needed more hours etc. etc. Read more... )
stonebender: (Default)
Because my wheelchair ran out of juice a couple weeks ago, I don't feel like I can trust it. So I've been sticking to home more often than not. My new wheelchair is sitting at Wheelchairs of Berkeley waiting for the part that holds the joystick up to my mouth. I've been waiting for 2 1/2 or 3 weeks for that part so I can actually use my new wheelchair. I've called 3 times trying to get an ETA for the parts with zero information so far. First they were going to call me with an estimated time, but didn't. I called them to let them know they hadn't given me a time and ask them when they would. They said they would call me back and didn't. Called them again, they said they didn't know but if I called them in an hour they would let me know. Called in an hour, they said they didn't know but would call me back. *Sigh*

DragonDictate is working periodically. I'm way behind on a zine I want to write and I'm close to giving up on.

I have completely and utterly screwed up my email and in the process of fixing it I have a feeling I have unintentionally lost lots of needed information. Which is beginning to make me feel like I have lost whatever technological knowledge or ability I had. I'm just feeling stupid around it all right now.

In an effort to be positive. I did have a lovely dinner last night with [personal profile] loracs

Went to BART's Accessibility Advisory Committee (I think that's what they call it) yesterday to comment on their new train car which isn't as accessible as they would like. Found out the car wasn't on the agenda, but I was able to "scope out" the power dynamics of the committee. Now I'm considering getting on it. Did have a lovely time at the Oakland Museum looking at these amazing Native American baskets.

My butt is killing me. I am not a happy boy.
stonebender: (Default)
Reposted from [personal profile] gramina:

I’m walking to raise money for the Alzheimer’s Association, http://alz.org. You can see my personal fundraising page at http://act.alz.org/goto/michelecox.

When my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it was the Alzheimer’s Association that gave us detailed information on what to expect, and it’s the Alzheimer’s Association that started the Safe Return program (with Medic Alert), so that she and her husband had matching bracelets and if she wandered, she could be found more quickly. They gave information and help and support to our family when we really needed it.

They also fund research into ways to prevent, ameliorate, or cure Alzheimer’s disease. Since 1982, alz.org — the world’s largest nonprofit funder of Alzheimer’s research — has committed $292 million to more than 2,000 grant proposals.

My mother died of Alzheimer’s disease in May of 2012.

My family tends to be long-lived; I should have had another 20 years of my mother’s wit, compassion, intelligence, insight, and love. Instead, Alzheimer’s stole the last ten years of my mother’s life from her and from her husband, from me, from my sister, and from everyone who knew her.

No one should have to go through that.

By 2050, though, as many as sixteen million people are expected to have Alzheimer’s disease. That’s not just sixteen million lives cut short, or sixteen million minds deprived of their vision, clarity, power, and creativity. It’s sixteen million times all the children, partners, lovers, friends, and caregivers whose lives are catastrophically disrupted, whose hopes and dreams and expectations for their own and their loved one’s future are broken and betrayed.

Please help me help the Alzheimer’s Association continue to fund research and support patients and families. If you can donate, that’s wonderful — the smallest amounts add up faster than you would believe. If you can’t donate, please feel free to signal boost — I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you, so very, very much.

FOGcon 4

Jul. 17th, 2013 05:56 pm
stonebender: (Default)
I've been involved in organizing FOGcon for years now. I did publications for a couple of years. I was Vice Chair of FOGcon 3 and this year I am chairing the convention. Our theme is Secrets and one of our biggest secrets so far has been who were going to be our honored guests. I know many of you have been sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the news. Well, here is. As Chair of FOGcon 4 I'm thrilled beyond measure to let you know that our guests this year will be Seanan McGuire and Tim Powers! Our Ghost of Honor will be James Tiptree Jr.

I'm really excited about this year's guests and our theme. Reading the news these days certainly makes our theme timely. If you'd like to know more about our guests or FOGcon, please check our website FOGcon.

I plan to write more about my adventures in chairing this convention. So check in here as well. There may still be a few more surprises coming up, so pay attention. We're going to have fun! Try to come out and see me this March.
stonebender: (Default)
stonebender: (Default)
"You see, I had this space suit.

How it happened was this way: 'Dad,' I said, 'I want to go to the Moon.'
'Certainly,' he answered and looked back at his book. It was Jerome K. Jerome's Three Men in a Boat, which he must know by heart.

I said, 'Dad, please! I'm serious.'

This time he closed the book on a finger and said gently, 'I said it was all right. Go ahead.'

'Yes . . . but how?'" From Robert A. Heinlein's Have Spacesuit - Will Travel

That's the trick, how?

Now I've been a science fiction fan for as long as I can remember. In fact, there just isn't much that I read for pleasure that isn't science fictional. I read other things, but it does take effort on my part. Science fiction never really has. It's my native land. It's my hangout. It's my home.

I think part of the accepted belief system that goes along with being an SF fan is a basic belief that people should be out in space, colonizing planets, building space stations, living in places other the planet Earth. Often the same books that instilled such a strong desire in me to go to the Moon, go to Mars, go out there, also assumed only the very able-bodied would be allowed to go. Folks like me were "obviously" unsuitable for adventure out towards the stars. We would stay home.

The fact is, I probably will be staying home. Long gone are the days when it was assumed people would be living on the Moon or Gerard K O'Neill L5 colonies. The United States government hardly has launch capability anymore. Let alone the desire to put people on Mars. So we are left with dreamers, wacky millionaires and private companies to take a shot at exploring the solar system. I think we'll do it, eventually. Not likely in my lifetime and even if we did manage it. I'm not a likely candidate for astronaut adventurer. No vacations on the Moon for me. Yet I still dream of going.

A while ago I found a website that is the Internet presence for an organization that is proposing colonizing Mars. It's a one-way trip. Those who volunteer won't be coming home. This is a major drawback to me because I am enjoying my life these days. I have two fantastic women in my life and I don't in any way want to leave them permanently. So I'm stuck with competing desires. Desperately wanting to go out there and desperately wanting to be with the women I love, the family I have and the friends who add so much to my life.

I suspect that if there was any real chance I might get selected, I might not have applied. However, knowing there is a realistic possibility that people will strike out for Mars in my lifetime, I could not just ignore it. So here is what I did.

It's not my best speech on video, but they required certain information be covered. They only gave 70 seconds to do it in and I think it's more important to me that I asked rather than I asked with elegance.
stonebender: (Default)
Partly because I'm a little worried about the pilot program to put those on Medi-Medi into a managed care program and partly because my wheelchair is getting pretty old, I am beginning the process of getting a new power wheelchair. It begins with getting a prescription from my doctor so I can get an appointment with an occupational therapist who evaluates what I need. Got the prescription, check. Prescription faxed from my doctor to the durable medical equipment guy (in my case Wheelchairs of Berkeley), check!

At this point it was my understanding that Wheelchairs of Berkeley would contact the Occupational Therapist they work with to give me possible times to meet. Instead I just got off the phone with Wheelchairs of Berkeley who notified me that I had an appointment at 3 o'clock on the 23rd. Apparently my schedule isn't really important. I suppose I could've insisted on rescheduling, but I do want to get this over with, so I will cancel my therapy appointment to go to the OT. Not too patronizing they would assume that I would just make myself available. I'm probably annoyed more than I should be, but these or the little things that make my life so full.
stonebender: (Default)
I didn't expect to do much of anything for my birthday, but in the early afternoon [personal profile] loracs asked whether I wanted to go out to eat and if I did, where would I like to go? [personal profile] loracs and I have a list of five or six restaurants we would like to try at some point, so I picked one or two. We settled on a place in Alameda called Speisekammer (don't ask me to pronounce it.), we shared a half order of Reibekuchen (potato pancakes) and a half order of Semmelknödel mit Pilzrahmsoße (a dumpling stuffed with bacon in a mushroom sauce). Both were a hit, although I enjoyed the potato pancakes more.

For the entree, [personal profile] loracs ordered Bratwurst Gegrillt (a sausage) with all their veggie sides; butternut squash, brussel sprouts, a broccoli like vegetable that I can't remember the name of and another vegetable I don't remember. She also ordered Spätzle (a pasta) because we both wanted to try it. Of course when I say [personal profile] loracs ordered this and I ordered that, it doesn't imply ownership. We both pretty much ate from each other's plates as we always do.

I got the pork Wiener Schnitzel vom Schwein with roasted potatoes and a small salad that went with it. [personal profile] loracs ate most of my salad which was just beets and cabbage. Not my favorite things. I could have had veal Wiener Schnitzel, but since I don't eat veal these days, I stuck with the pork.

Because it was my birthday we did manage to cram down some dessert. [personal profile] loracs ordered an apple strudel with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. I got some crème brûlée. We brought home enough food for at least one more meal maybe two. [personal profile] loracs washed it all down with iced tea. I got a dark beer that was pretty good. I wish I remembered what it was called.

All in all we had a really nice time. A fun, unexpected, sort of adventure for my 55th birthday.
stonebender: (Default)
Ah another year. I'm 55 today. I need to keep writing and saying that just to get used to it. It doesn't really feel like me at all. Except for more aches and pains, I don't really feel any different than I did when I was a 20. 20-year-old Guy is still in here somewhere wondering what to do with myself. Wondering when the wisdom happens. I've always felt like I wanted to be important somehow. It's all ego I know, but there it is. I'm running out of time to accomplish importance. I say all the time to people that I'm trying to write. Thinking that will become my path to importance but I haven't managed to finish anything yet.

I used to look forward to planning things. Planning a trip to Europe. Fantasizing about sitting at a café on the Champs Élysées, riding the train going through the Channel, visiting Aalborg where my maternal grandfather came from. Those plans seem less likely these days.

Then there is the weirdly semi-survivalist desire to build a house somewhere out in the middle of nowhere designed to be as self-sufficient as possible with solar panels and wind turbines. Water being squeezed from the atmosphere and toilets designed to recycle most of my waste. That's not going to happen.

I miss planning for some future adventure. I miss thinking that my existence will somehow become important to people other than those I love. In many ways I feel a little lost not distressingly so just lost enough not to know what to do next and realizing there's less and less time to find out where I should head.

I will of course continue to attempt the grand adventure. It seems to be a part of me, but I'm less sure that I will ever accomplish any great things. I realize these desires are inconsequential. Most people have much more dire concerns. I do wonder if the rest of my life will be this directionless want for something or will I just accept all the new limitations and keep moving like usual. I really have no idea. I have no way to know what should come next or what can come next.

Meanwhile I must remember that my life is amazingly good. In many many ways I have the life I want. I'm loved by amazing people. I've done things that no one would have expected of me as a child. I have made the life that I want.

Still...

My hero

Dec. 14th, 2012 10:57 am
stonebender: (Default)
http://youtu.be/GZAxwsg9J9Q

Profile

stonebender: (Default)
stonebender

February 2014

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
910111213 1415
16171819202122
232425262728 

Important (to me) Links

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags