stonebender: (Default)
[personal profile] stonebender
Ah another year. I'm 55 today. I need to keep writing and saying that just to get used to it. It doesn't really feel like me at all. Except for more aches and pains, I don't really feel any different than I did when I was a 20. 20-year-old Guy is still in here somewhere wondering what to do with myself. Wondering when the wisdom happens. I've always felt like I wanted to be important somehow. It's all ego I know, but there it is. I'm running out of time to accomplish importance. I say all the time to people that I'm trying to write. Thinking that will become my path to importance but I haven't managed to finish anything yet.

I used to look forward to planning things. Planning a trip to Europe. Fantasizing about sitting at a café on the Champs Élysées, riding the train going through the Channel, visiting Aalborg where my maternal grandfather came from. Those plans seem less likely these days.

Then there is the weirdly semi-survivalist desire to build a house somewhere out in the middle of nowhere designed to be as self-sufficient as possible with solar panels and wind turbines. Water being squeezed from the atmosphere and toilets designed to recycle most of my waste. That's not going to happen.

I miss planning for some future adventure. I miss thinking that my existence will somehow become important to people other than those I love. In many ways I feel a little lost not distressingly so just lost enough not to know what to do next and realizing there's less and less time to find out where I should head.

I will of course continue to attempt the grand adventure. It seems to be a part of me, but I'm less sure that I will ever accomplish any great things. I realize these desires are inconsequential. Most people have much more dire concerns. I do wonder if the rest of my life will be this directionless want for something or will I just accept all the new limitations and keep moving like usual. I really have no idea. I have no way to know what should come next or what can come next.

Meanwhile I must remember that my life is amazingly good. In many many ways I have the life I want. I'm loved by amazing people. I've done things that no one would have expected of me as a child. I have made the life that I want.

Still...

(no subject)

Date: 2013-02-22 06:04 am (UTC)
serene: mailbox (Default)
From: [personal profile] serene
It's hard to let go of dreams. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2013-02-22 06:45 pm (UTC)
wild_irises: (bujold)
From: [personal profile] wild_irises
I thought of you yesterday, but never did anything about it, like send you good wishes.

As for things to plan for and dream about, I bet you have some more reachable ones if you look inside a little.

I love you.

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