stonebender | (no subject)

serenejournal has met a few people recently who say they know me. In each case the people were what I would consider acquaintances. In one case I had met the person face-to-face maybe twice and exchanged perhaps a handful of words. In another case, I had "known" the person via e-mail for years but never had occasion to sit down and say more than hello or goodbye face-to-face. Even online we may have read each other's posts to a common mailing list, but hadn't had much interaction directly with each other.

Yet both people seemed to think they knew me well enough that they could make predictions about my preferences or habits. In my mind, I didn't know either of them well. Yes, I knew their names. Yes, I could point them out in a crowd but know them? I didn't think I knew either of them at all, nor they I.

Now in the last few years I have been trying to put myself out there more. Trying to make new friends and new connections. Much of this is complicated by my natural reticence to organize get-togethers at my place and the inaccessibility of most people's houses. I have attempted to be more active on newsgroups and mailing lists and here. I haven't been particularly successful in boosting my word count.

So I'm wondering what makes people feel like they know someone? How many people on my friends list think they know me? And how well? Of those who think they know me do I seem "like me" online? Is this whole subject just a pathetic attempt at attention?

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H'mmmm. I tend to think the word "friend" is overused. It has a rather intimate (not necessarily physically intimate) connotation that I feel protective of, don't like to use it for very many people.

Well, I knew you better ten years or so ago, but I never knew you well and wouldn't have claimed to. Like frexample I would never have been able to guess your tastes/opinions except in a few very well defined areas. ("H'mmmm. A lot like Heinlein, but not so militaristic. I imagine stonebender would like this...") But, I'm sufficiently mind-blind that I have trouble doing that even for my Beloved Spousal Overunit and our kids.

The German language has a term - I have only heard it pronounced, I don't know how to spell it, something like "bekannte" - that means sort of, more than an "aquaintance," but less than a "friend." I consider lots of people "bekannten," very few people "friends." But I'll usually say "friend" because it's too hard to explain and I don't want to offend folks; you can never have too many "bekannten."

Before finding you on livejournal I don't remember having any regular contact with you since Sci-Fido II. I would see you every now and then at BayCon or hear about you through another science-fiction fan etc. I think fandom lends itself to the kind of confusion I'm feeling. There are gobs of people that I "know" from fandom and yet see once every year or two. Have a short "catch me up" kind of conversation and don't see again for another year or two.

"bekannten" is a useful concept. I would be happy to be considered a "bekannten" of yours. Thanks

I think fandom lends itself to the kind of confusion I'm feeling.

That, and simple differences in memory - I seem to recall running into you at The Other Change (old store) or on the streets of Oakland every month or two ... h'mmm, my "ten years" was low: actually focusing on it, I'm thinking, say, mid-'80s. Often enough that two successive backpackhounds recognized me readily, at any rate, though their memories were probably than mine. And my sense of how far apart things are has always been a wee bit wonky. (Like, thinking of mid-'80s as "ten years or so ago.") I'm the sort of person who usually knows what time it is but rarely knows what time it was.

Well, memory being what it is I agree. Yes, we did run into each other at Other Change. When I used to practically live there, but I was thinking Sci-Fido II was after that. However my memory of when things happened is less than perfect.