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May. 7th, 2011 03:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stonebenderI was looking through Facebook today (which I mostly hate, but everyone seems to be over there) and someone I used to know had posted pictures of a memorial of someone I never knew. The memorial was attended by three or four people that I no longer see. They were connected to a "church" I used to attend and It got me thinking. It's been such a long time since I posted anything of any length I thought I'd
I admit that I started going to the American Magic Umbanda House for reasons totally unrelated to spirituality. I had a pretty big crush on a woman who was a member of the house and had deluded myself into thinking I had a shot. Yet attending ceremonies at the AMUH became something different at least for a while. I have a checkered past with religion. Raised Catholic and largely rejecting it and many of its precepts early in my life. (Some of you are laughing right now. Yes I haven't really recovered from my early Catholicism, but I've never actively believed in the religious part of it. I know that it's culture is deeply ingrained in me, even now.) Children who grow up disabled get a lot of religious instruction. Lots of folk feel especially concerned about our souls. So, out of self-defense if nothing else I felt I needed to make decisions about my faith pretty early in life.
I identified as agnostic a good portion of my life. I've never had any strong religious faith, but I've never been able to completely reject some kind of afterlife even though I have no idea what it would be. I've never been able to accept the god I was raised with or his rules. Most church services leave me cold, but there's something deeply human and warm about Umbanda services. They are a celebration, they are a recognition of all of our human flaws not in a judgmental way but in a friendly recognition of our common frailty and strength. The ceremonies made me feel connected and accepted in a way that I hadn't felt before. I also felt, what I will call energy, but that's not really what was. I don't know what to call it, but it felt deeply joyous to me. I felt so much better after a ceremony. Much more able to drop all the crap I've hung onto (and still hang onto to some extent) that certainly contributes to a feeling apart, alienated many times in my life.
Nothing ever came of my crush, but I found myself wanting to be a part of this AMUH. Not being a natural "believer" I ended up rationalizing my attendance. I thought well, if there is a God, I knew I wasn't willing to follow the one I was raised with and if zie was any kind of god zie would understand my desire to become a part of this House. If there isn't a god, it doesn't really matter what church I go to, what philosophy I accept. Umbanda was as good as any religion. I did find that I enjoy thinking about the world through the lens of an Afro-Brazilian religion. I enjoy thinking of Xango having my back and Yemanjá nurturing me. I felt better after ceremonies and that was all it was that was fine with me.
As with most things, I do regret some of what happened during this period in my life. I know I put Carol through the ringer. Making such big changes in who she thought she loved. All I can really say is, I can be complicated sometimes. I struggle and continue to struggle over many many issues. In fact, although it makes life difficult for me, I value the struggle. I'm always suspicious when I'm certain of something. I automatically start checking my thought processes see what I missed. Of course there are still things I feel certain about. There are things I believe in, not because I'm sure that they are true, but because I don't want to live in a world that these things aren't true.
Anyway, eventually the AMUH got into petty squabbles. The place broke into two camps, both of which wanted my loyalty. I live in a largely politicized sphere. I am an advocate and find myself fighting for one thing or another. I am pretty heavily involved in science fiction fandom, which as anyone knows who is in fandom can also get very politicized (Moon fail anyone?). I know that these struggles are important and they should continue. Because some fights are just too important not to engage in, but my spiritual life (if I can call it that) needed to be a comfort for me not another battleground. So I stopped going to the AMUH, but I still thought of myself as an Umbandista. I eventually put away my home altar, but continued to wear my kailes (the beads I wore around my neck, all day every day). Now I no longer wear the Kailes (it occurs to me that I'm not sure I'm spelling that word correctly). I don't refer to myself as Umbanda, although I have not updated all the places where I did say I was. I do worry that my faith is facile, perhaps I was playing a game with myself. I do feel sad about my separation from this religious experience/community. I miss how I felt then.
I don't know what I am anymore. I am not an atheist, at least I don't want to be. I seem to be nonreligious, but want something to fill that part of me. I'm not even sure I can claim agnosticism. It is true that I can't be sure there is a goddess, god, pantheon or any afterlife at all. I certainly want there to be one and in some ways I can't conceive of a world without something after, whatever that might be. I'm also clear that religions of the world don't speak to me. So here I am, me, struggling, fluctuating and not fitting into any category right now.
I admit that I started going to the American Magic Umbanda House for reasons totally unrelated to spirituality. I had a pretty big crush on a woman who was a member of the house and had deluded myself into thinking I had a shot. Yet attending ceremonies at the AMUH became something different at least for a while. I have a checkered past with religion. Raised Catholic and largely rejecting it and many of its precepts early in my life. (Some of you are laughing right now. Yes I haven't really recovered from my early Catholicism, but I've never actively believed in the religious part of it. I know that it's culture is deeply ingrained in me, even now.) Children who grow up disabled get a lot of religious instruction. Lots of folk feel especially concerned about our souls. So, out of self-defense if nothing else I felt I needed to make decisions about my faith pretty early in life.
I identified as agnostic a good portion of my life. I've never had any strong religious faith, but I've never been able to completely reject some kind of afterlife even though I have no idea what it would be. I've never been able to accept the god I was raised with or his rules. Most church services leave me cold, but there's something deeply human and warm about Umbanda services. They are a celebration, they are a recognition of all of our human flaws not in a judgmental way but in a friendly recognition of our common frailty and strength. The ceremonies made me feel connected and accepted in a way that I hadn't felt before. I also felt, what I will call energy, but that's not really what was. I don't know what to call it, but it felt deeply joyous to me. I felt so much better after a ceremony. Much more able to drop all the crap I've hung onto (and still hang onto to some extent) that certainly contributes to a feeling apart, alienated many times in my life.
Nothing ever came of my crush, but I found myself wanting to be a part of this AMUH. Not being a natural "believer" I ended up rationalizing my attendance. I thought well, if there is a God, I knew I wasn't willing to follow the one I was raised with and if zie was any kind of god zie would understand my desire to become a part of this House. If there isn't a god, it doesn't really matter what church I go to, what philosophy I accept. Umbanda was as good as any religion. I did find that I enjoy thinking about the world through the lens of an Afro-Brazilian religion. I enjoy thinking of Xango having my back and Yemanjá nurturing me. I felt better after ceremonies and that was all it was that was fine with me.
As with most things, I do regret some of what happened during this period in my life. I know I put Carol through the ringer. Making such big changes in who she thought she loved. All I can really say is, I can be complicated sometimes. I struggle and continue to struggle over many many issues. In fact, although it makes life difficult for me, I value the struggle. I'm always suspicious when I'm certain of something. I automatically start checking my thought processes see what I missed. Of course there are still things I feel certain about. There are things I believe in, not because I'm sure that they are true, but because I don't want to live in a world that these things aren't true.
Anyway, eventually the AMUH got into petty squabbles. The place broke into two camps, both of which wanted my loyalty. I live in a largely politicized sphere. I am an advocate and find myself fighting for one thing or another. I am pretty heavily involved in science fiction fandom, which as anyone knows who is in fandom can also get very politicized (Moon fail anyone?). I know that these struggles are important and they should continue. Because some fights are just too important not to engage in, but my spiritual life (if I can call it that) needed to be a comfort for me not another battleground. So I stopped going to the AMUH, but I still thought of myself as an Umbandista. I eventually put away my home altar, but continued to wear my kailes (the beads I wore around my neck, all day every day). Now I no longer wear the Kailes (it occurs to me that I'm not sure I'm spelling that word correctly). I don't refer to myself as Umbanda, although I have not updated all the places where I did say I was. I do worry that my faith is facile, perhaps I was playing a game with myself. I do feel sad about my separation from this religious experience/community. I miss how I felt then.
I don't know what I am anymore. I am not an atheist, at least I don't want to be. I seem to be nonreligious, but want something to fill that part of me. I'm not even sure I can claim agnosticism. It is true that I can't be sure there is a goddess, god, pantheon or any afterlife at all. I certainly want there to be one and in some ways I can't conceive of a world without something after, whatever that might be. I'm also clear that religions of the world don't speak to me. So here I am, me, struggling, fluctuating and not fitting into any category right now.
