Vague Wisdom

Last Friday I had to go to Stanford for the drug trial. Which made it an early morning for me (6 AM). We got there on time. The visit entails several tests each time, but the tests aren't always the same each time. I was told there would be a blood test. Which is never my favorite, although I'm a lot better about getting my blood drawn now than I was two years ago. I didn't realize there would be several blood tests. They use these to monitor how my body metabolizes the drug. I usually need a baseline draw. Then I take my medication and they take blood again after an hour. Then another an hour later. A fourth a couple hours after that and then another two hours after that. Unfortunately I missed the baseline because the woman facilitating the test forgot I needed one and gave me my meds before the first blood draw. Bad news is they don't get some of the data they would like. The good news is I only had to get stuck four times rather than five. They also gave me an EKG which isn't a big deal, but I missed my scheduled check because of the pandemic.

The Stanford visit went pretty well. I did run into some trouble reentering the hospital. I had gone up to begin my tests with no difficulty that morning. In the middle of my tests, we went outside to enjoy the weather for awhile. On my return the guards said I needed to wear a particular mask that they handed me. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue, but the guards addressed all their comments and questions to Carol even though I was the one not complying. I had a mask on that I had been allowed to use when I first arrived at the hospital, but these guards were more insistent I used the mask they had given me. Look, I know they were doing their jobs and I'm sure some people give them trouble. My issue was they were not addressing their concerns to me. This is a sore spot for me. So after they had explained themselves to Carol. I said if you have a problem with me. Talk to me. He never really acknowledged my request. I called our test facilitator and she talked to them. Eventually I put on the mask they wanted. Which was difficult because I drive my wheelchair with my mouth and the mask quickly moves up my face as I am driving and eventually covers my eyes. So I drove upstairs having to stop every 5 feet or so to have someone pull the mask down so I could see.

I don't know if anyone is watching Fear the Walking Dead, but I really loved this week's episode and it hardly had anything to do with zombies.

I'm terrified of the election, so I signed up for a reading of A Midsummer Nights Dream. I'm reading Theseus and now I'm struggling with performance anxiety. I'm not completely sure what is better. Well, I hope the next time you read this blog I will be happy with my performance and relieved by the results of our election.*Fingers crossed*

And hey, let's be really Zen about this race. I know we may want to know the results as soon as possible, but let's not feed into President Cheeto's "strategy". We know there's always a couple races (and in fact most races) that don't get resolved until days after November 3 and that is completely normal. It's more important to count everyone's vote than how quickly we count.

I've been in a pretty bad emotional state for a few weeks now. I'm not exactly sure what has caused it. Perhaps my 60th birthday. Perhaps it's worrying about my partners. loracs has been having more and more trouble with her knee. serene has taken on a lot of responsibility for very good reasons, but I know it's stressful. I can't help but feel like I want to help them both and I just can't.

My mother died not that long ago (November). Along with the normal grief I have for losing her. Her death feels a little like I'm cut off from the rest of my family. It's complicated, but I made some decisions in my 20's that isolated me from my blood family. I was staying sort of connected through my parents, but now they both are dead I feel adrift about the rest of the family. I'm not even particularly sure that I want more connection. Being a recovering Catholic I get to feel guilty about that too.

I have upped my Zoloft and that seems to be helping things some. I have FOGcon 8 to go to soon. Which I look forward to and dread at the same time.

Saw The Post yesterday and really enjoyed it. Not at all what I expected it to be. Spielberg managed to include some not-so-subtle comments on gender and racial politics of the time. Some really nice small intimate scenes with women talking to other women about things other than some guy. I know that Meryl Streep is the perennial Oscar nominee. However her performance in this movie certainly merits another win. Not that I want her to get it again, there are plenty deserving actors this time around.

I'm trying to catch all the Oscar-nominated films, but I will fail.

I'm looking forward to the mid season premiere of The Walking Dead. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

P.S. I've been looking at a few recent posts of my and realize I've gotten a bit repetitive. Sorry about that. I will try to come up with new topics. :-)

Sign up for programming before 1/28! Even if you'd rather watch a panel than participate, FOGcon needs your vote.

I like TV. I like most media, but TV is where I spend a lot of my time. I'm also a fan. Which for me means that I tend to notice tiny details. Things that most people don't give a damn about. I not only notice them but sometimes they are the reason I like or dislike a particular television show.


I especially like noticing details that feel like they are a special secret between me and the creator of whatever show I watch. Maybe a reference in one show to a previous show the creator worked on or another show an actor was in before. It feels like it's a special joke directed at me and anyone else who notices. Now some are clearly intentional and others aren't. Some are coincidences that are only funny to me. Knowing that the guy who did the voiceover for The Wonder Years was also in Breaking Away make me happy.

Some shows really play up some of this trivia knowing that fan boys like me eat it up. Castle does a lot of it. So did Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. Last night two shows gave me a bit of a chuckle. The season premiere of The Walking Dead had the appearance of an actor who played a character on an earlier episode of the show. The character ran into Rick and Carol while they were on a run. The character and his girlfriend were very friendly sweet people who clearly had only survived through unprecedented amounts of luck. The character had dislocated his shoulder and Carol reset it for him. Not long after the girlfriend was found dead, but the guy just disappeared. So anyway, he shows up in the episode and I think, "Hey, that's the guy with the dislocated shoulder!" I also realize that he is now playing the guy who will become The Penguin in the new Gotham television show.

I know this is unimportant, but I told you these were stupid details.

Now, this last one was clearly on purpose and is more generally fun and not so much a private joke for me. On the The Good Wife which usually plays against The Walking Dead. Last night's episode has Alicia guiltily fascinated with a TV show that is clearly a take off of Talking Dead the show that follows The Walking Dead and talks about that evening's TWD episode. Fun!

I haven't talked about it much , but Fogcon is just around the corner. I've taken care of most of my responsibilities related to the convention. Being in charge of Publications, I just sent out the last Progress Report for FogCon 2. Now all I have to do is pick up the Program Books from the printer and get them to the registration packet stuffers sometime this week or early next. After that my responsibilities are being on 3 panels and a shift on the safety team for the convention. So right now my best guess at where I'm going to be at the convention is as follows:( Read more... )

I was going to, I really was. Don't look at me like that, I was going to make the reservation, but serene beat me to it. Well not really beat me, but she got to it before my procrastination allowed me to do it. So now, I have a reservation at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway Hotel in San Francisco for FogCon. So far, I know that serene will be there and perhaps loracs. wtfpotatoes will attend and will be selling her art at the con. Serene's Mom mommaduck and Serene's Mom's new fiancé will be going too.

I volunteered to be on programming, which scares me. I'm always sure there's nothing I have interesting to say on anything. I also feel underqualified to have an opinion in most cases, but I keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be fun. Hopefully, I won't embarrass myself.

I'm also a little worried about the hotel bed. My back has been giving me a lot of trouble lately. Even when my back is in good shape hotel beds can be pretty painful for me. Starting out with a sore back ... I don't know. So, I'll either stay at the hotel or just use the hotel room for convention sex. Hope to see some of you there!

It's not POC's job to educate me, let me off the hook or in anyway help me feel better about my unconscious or conscious racism.

I think those of us with privilege are too quick to pat ourselves on the back for "overcoming" our racism. We don't get a cookie for working on our shit.

If a POC calls us, or our actions, racist the first thing we need to do is take the accusation seriously and listen. Not reject the accusation out of hand. It's not about all the good work we may have done in the past. It's not about our intent. It is about what we did at that moment and how it affects POC.

Listening doesn't mean silence. We need to be active listeners. Ask questions, restate things and check on whether you are getting it. It's going to hurt. You will find out stuff that you don't like about yourself and it's the very least we can do. It's a never ending process and all we can do is improve.

We won't ever completely get it.

As a person with a disability I'm constantly being told by the able-bodied that they understand how difficult it must be for me. Well they don't. Even my closest friends and lovers don't completely get it. Heck I don't completely get it, because I know what it's like in my head. Everyone's experience is different. We just need to keep trying to get closer.

I was talking to a fellow fan last Friday about several difficult conflicts he had experienced in fannish circles. He attributed a lot of it to racism or at least a pretty striking level of insensitivity and an inability to cop to it or cleanly apologize. I found myself trying to apologise or explain their actions. Partly because I thought he was exaggerating and partly because I could see myself doing some of the same things. Then it occured to me that I needed to stop defending and listen.

I'm writing this because I don't want to be silent. I want to try and understand so I can be less hurtful, less complicit. I'm scared to write this. I'm hoping I can stay open and learn.

I grieve the illusion that fandom is a safe place. I want to try to make it safer.

I'm comment locking this post because this is not about me. This is about listening and learning and working towards better.