Vague Wisdom

I've been in a pretty bad emotional state for a few weeks now. I'm not exactly sure what has caused it. Perhaps my 60th birthday. Perhaps it's worrying about my partners. loracs has been having more and more trouble with her knee. serene has taken on a lot of responsibility for very good reasons, but I know it's stressful. I can't help but feel like I want to help them both and I just can't.

My mother died not that long ago (November). Along with the normal grief I have for losing her. Her death feels a little like I'm cut off from the rest of my family. It's complicated, but I made some decisions in my 20's that isolated me from my blood family. I was staying sort of connected through my parents, but now they both are dead I feel adrift about the rest of the family. I'm not even particularly sure that I want more connection. Being a recovering Catholic I get to feel guilty about that too.

I have upped my Zoloft and that seems to be helping things some. I have FOGcon 8 to go to soon. Which I look forward to and dread at the same time.

Saw The Post yesterday and really enjoyed it. Not at all what I expected it to be. Spielberg managed to include some not-so-subtle comments on gender and racial politics of the time. Some really nice small intimate scenes with women talking to other women about things other than some guy. I know that Meryl Streep is the perennial Oscar nominee. However her performance in this movie certainly merits another win. Not that I want her to get it again, there are plenty deserving actors this time around.

I'm trying to catch all the Oscar-nominated films, but I will fail.

I'm looking forward to the mid season premiere of The Walking Dead. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

P.S. I've been looking at a few recent posts of my and realize I've gotten a bit repetitive. Sorry about that. I will try to come up with new topics. :-)

I often write in this thing when I feel depressed or anxious. Please feel free to skip this post if you have had your fill of self-indulgent whining. I've been in relatively good health this year, but just got a cold a few days ago. So far it's been pretty mild and I hope I'm on the getting better side of it all. The cold isn't that bad, but it really brings back my panic attacks. I cough up anything and my head is telling me I'm going to choke. I'm going to die. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm overreacting, but it still feels real. I do have Xanax, which helps me get to sleep. I guess I just want to tell someone that I am worried. Don't anyone feel they need to do anything about this. Often just saying things out loud or writing them in public helps to get them in perspective. I hate being so afraid.

Sometimes things are too hard. I think that I am strong enough, or maybe hope I am. So far I have managed, but sometimes it feels overwhelming. I will be fine and I really don't have any cause to complain. Many have it much tougher for much longer. I have so many advantages. I see things coming my way that are massive and uncaring and they will come whether I'm ready or not. I'm not ready, nor will I be, no matter what I do. I must just trust that I will cope or accept failure with grace. Grace I have never had. I want to be the shield, I want to be the support, but I'm sure I will be neither. Perhaps the best I can do is not be an additional puzzle to solve.

My sister Linda is getting around the house without the walker. She's still having some balance issues, but she's recovering so much faster than I'd ever expected.

When you drive your wheelchair with your mouth, it really *is* hard to walk and talk at the same time.

My computer died and has now been resurrected, but a large portion of my deathless prose is gone. Someday I'll learn to back-up.

There should be a company/non-profit with gadget savvy folk who one can go to and get them to modify consumer electronics or help mount equipment to my wheelchair or maybe build a little doohicky that's probably only useful to me and maybe a couple hundred other folk. I'm thinking today about a wireless headset that can dial into different frequencies. So I can use it with my cell phone, switch to my computer using Dragon Dictate while listening to music on my headphones. Yes, I know there ways to work some of this already, but I want it in one gadget.

Today, I really missed functioning arms.

I've been feeling not at all myself for a while now. These days, I'm not exactly depressed, but I seem incapable of maintaining a positive self-image for more than an hour or so. Part of this is most certainly my sporadic consumption of my antidepressant. I don't feel like that's all of it though. Even days when things go really well for me (like today for example) I quickly feel guilty, second-guessing what I should've done or what I shouldn't. Somehow I need to figure out how to gain some perspective for at least a thicker skin.

I am managing to ever so slowly get some necessary things done. I found a therapy group for people with disabilities that meets in Berkeley. I'm hoping it will help some.

Seems like I only post when I'm not happy these days. I try to follow serenejournal's good example concentrating on the good things and I have lots of good things. My family most of all. How I got these amazing women in my life is beyond me. They are such a blessing. My friends, who are the smartest, most talented, socially aware group of people I know. The world is a better place because they exist (and if you think you might be part of this group, you probably are).

It seems like getting through each day is getting harder all the time for me, and I'm sure many, many, others. Personally, I've had lots of "learning experiences" in the last few years. Many I would've preferred avoiding, but we don't get to choose. As an old lefty advocate I've gone from despair to hope and back again. This year has been the most exciting politically and the most depressing. Budgets are being cut everywhere. Our safety net in the United States is becoming nonexistent.

The kind of systemic change I think we need in order to rebuild our social supports seem unlikely to happen. I just don't know what to do.

The music chosen by Rhapsody is particularly appropriate. :-)

Feeling a little overly sensitive today. I think maybe I gotta get serious about finding a counselor. I just can't maintain any perspective these days.