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I've been in a pretty bad emotional state for a few weeks now. I'm not exactly sure what has caused it. Perhaps my 60th birthday. Perhaps it's worrying about my partners. [personal profile] loracs has been having more and more trouble with her knee. [personal profile] serene has taken on a lot of responsibility for very good reasons, but I know it's stressful. I can't help but feel like I want to help them both and I just can't.

My mother died not that long ago (November). Along with the normal grief I have for losing her. Her death feels a little like I'm cut off from the rest of my family. It's complicated, but I made some decisions in my 20's that isolated me from my blood family. I was staying sort of connected through my parents, but now they both are dead I feel adrift about the rest of the family. I'm not even particularly sure that I want more connection. Being a recovering Catholic I get to feel guilty about that too.

I have upped my Zoloft and that seems to be helping things some. I have FOGcon 8 to go to soon. Which I look forward to and dread at the same time.

Saw The Post yesterday and really enjoyed it. Not at all what I expected it to be. Spielberg managed to include some not-so-subtle comments on gender and racial politics of the time. Some really nice small intimate scenes with women talking to other women about things other than some guy. I know that Meryl Streep is the perennial Oscar nominee. However her performance in this movie certainly merits another win. Not that I want her to get it again, there are plenty deserving actors this time around.

I'm trying to catch all the Oscar-nominated films, but I will fail.

I'm looking forward to the mid season premiere of The Walking Dead. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

P.S. I've been looking at a few recent posts of my and realize I've gotten a bit repetitive. Sorry about that. I will try to come up with new topics. :-)
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A rough beginning of the year for me. Nothing disastrous as usual but not exactly pleasant. Felt a bit ill for some of it and spent a few days recovering. I have my next dose of Spinraza this Friday. This is the first regular dose after the loading doses. It's been 4 months since my last shot and I find that I'm a little more nervous than I was. In preparation, I need to have a blood test and I have needed to get a blood draw for my yearly physical. I managed to get them done today. The only problem was I needed to fast for one of the tests and because of scheduling etc. I didn't really get coffee or food until about 5 o'clock today. However I did get one of my favorite dinners-breakfast for dinner. Had an omelette with some sausage and coffee.

Saw my therapist and reminisced about my mother. Feeling particularly disconnected from family, both blood and chosen. It will be okay. It's really no one's fault but my own. I hope everyone is surviving. I can't really hope for more given the current bonehead and chief.

My Sister

Jul. 13th, 2011 11:56 am
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I haven't been very communicative lately. Too much. Too fast. I'm not really through grieving for my father, then Betty dies. Another family member was operated on (everything went okay she is healing nicely) and now my sister has been in the hospital too long. She came down with pneumonia and the doctor says it may have been caused by something called Valley Fever. Something I've never heard of before. They haven't confirmed the Valley Fever yet, she most certainly has a very serious case of pneumonia. So serious that she has been on a ventilator has been kept unconscious since she went to the emergency room. I just got a phone call from the hospital saying her doctor needs to talk to a family member about our "options". I am to put it lightly freaked. I will most likely be the one to make any decisions. My sister didn't leave a power of attorney or assign anyone to speak for her when she is ill and unable to speak for herself. I say I will probably be the one to decide because, well, because there is no one else. My father is gone. My mother is a basket case (completely understandably). That leaves the kids, Cheryl the youngest who has been the one the hospital has been communicating with because she's closest. She has made it clear that she isn't up to it. My brother won't help make the decision, so there's me. Linda never made her wishes clear on what she wants in situations like this. I hope I make the right choice for her. Everyone should feel free to comment, but don't anticipate a quick reply from me. I do tend to shut down during these kinds of things. All that goes through my head lately is I was always the one that was supposed to go first.
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I was going to, I really was. Don't look at me like that, I was going to make the reservation, but [personal profile] serene beat me to it. Well not really beat me, but she got to it before my procrastination allowed me to do it. So now, I have a reservation at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway Hotel in San Francisco for FogCon. So far, I know that [personal profile] serene will be there and perhaps [personal profile] loracs. [profile] wtfpotatoes will attend and will be selling her art at the con. Serene's Mom [profile] mommaduck and Serene's Mom's new fiancé will be going too.

I volunteered to be on programming, which scares me. I'm always sure there's nothing I have interesting to say on anything. I also feel underqualified to have an opinion in most cases, but I keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be fun. Hopefully, I won't embarrass myself.

I'm also a little worried about the hotel bed. My back has been giving me a lot of trouble lately. Even when my back is in good shape hotel beds can be pretty painful for me. Starting out with a sore back ... I don't know. So, I'll either stay at the hotel or just use the hotel room for convention sex. Hope to see some of you there!
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I went and saw this with [personal profile] loracs and [profile] dbubley. The play is about exactly what you think it's about and it's about something completely different. It's rough in parts. Some folks' fantasy is someone else's nightmare, but it was worth it to me. Good show. Grabbed some food at Westfield's (I think that's the name) fancy food court. I had nice time.
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Well, it's been several days of not feeling well. Nothing dire but dealing with it added a lot to [personal profile] loracs stress this week, I'm sure. I won't go into the details but it has been messy. My morning attendant yesterday showed up in a foul mood and my back was killing me. She asked to leave early and not really wanting to deal with her mood I told her to take off. Probably sooner than I should have, because my shirt had a wrinkle that was in just the right postion hurt my back. Making it more painful than it already was.

[personal profile] loracs called and we talked a little. She really couldn't leave work. Awhile after talking to her I started getting an anxiety attack. I haven't had a bad one in a while this was a bad one. I called [personal profile] serene not because I expected her to come over I knew she had a cold and it was freezing out there. I just wanted some company. If you're reading her journal I'm the family member that had a crisis. Anyway, she told me she was heading out to the airport. About an hour later, [personal profile] serene walks in the door! She picked up the friend of a friend at the airport and dropped by my house before taking him to San Francisco. [personal profile] someotherguy was in tow. She straightened out my shirt, got me a drink and 15 minutes later I felt 100% better.

I'm telling you I don't know that I could've got through this week without [personal profile] loracs and [personal profile] serene. I keep realizing again and again how truly amazing they both are.
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What a day. Lived through a very long panic attack. I called [personal profile] loracs in the midst of it. She stayed with me over the phone. Then [personal profile] serenejournal IM'ed me. She dropped everything to come be with me. They are such wonderful women and I am very lucky to have them in my life.

I wish I was feeling healthier. The cold is definitely going away, but I can't work up much enthusiasm for my birthday. [profile] dbubley is back at the rehab center, but she's still feeling nauseous and has just an awful roommate. She's not having fun. [personal profile] loracs is exhausted. [personal profile] serenejournal is dealing with so much. *sigh*
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I just wanted to thank everyone who sent me a Valentine. They were all very sweet and made my day. I am doing a lot better physically. I have my appetite back. I still have some congestion, but nothing like I did a couple days ago. I'm still pretty weak. I just don't bounce back like that I use to you know. :-)

The last I heard [profile] dbubley is eating solid food again and seems to be doing well with that. If things continue to go well she may be back to the rehab center pretty soon.

[personal profile] loracs's seems to be close to normal. She still has a bit of a cough. Its off to Pippin's last puppy class tonight. We may just survive this after all!
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As you may have read elsewhere I had an interesting day yesterday. Details on my summer trip to the hospital. )
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I'm recovering a little from yesterday.

My lovely Monday (really, I'm not being sarcastic. )

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