(no subject)

[stonebender]

I've been in a pretty bad emotional state for a few weeks now. I'm not exactly sure what has caused it. Perhaps my 60th birthday. Perhaps it's worrying about my partners. loracs has been having more and more trouble with her knee. serene has taken on a lot of responsibility for very good reasons, but I know it's stressful. I can't help but feel like I want to help them both and I just can't.

My mother died not that long ago (November). Along with the normal grief I have for losing her. Her death feels a little like I'm cut off from the rest of my family. It's complicated, but I made some decisions in my 20's that isolated me from my blood family. I was staying sort of connected through my parents, but now they both are dead I feel adrift about the rest of the family. I'm not even particularly sure that I want more connection. Being a recovering Catholic I get to feel guilty about that too.

I have upped my Zoloft and that seems to be helping things some. I have FOGcon 8 to go to soon. Which I look forward to and dread at the same time.

Saw The Post yesterday and really enjoyed it. Not at all what I expected it to be. Spielberg managed to include some not-so-subtle comments on gender and racial politics of the time. Some really nice small intimate scenes with women talking to other women about things other than some guy. I know that Meryl Streep is the perennial Oscar nominee. However her performance in this movie certainly merits another win. Not that I want her to get it again, there are plenty deserving actors this time around.

I'm trying to catch all the Oscar-nominated films, but I will fail.

I'm looking forward to the mid season premiere of The Walking Dead. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

P.S. I've been looking at a few recent posts of my and realize I've gotten a bit repetitive. Sorry about that. I will try to come up with new topics. :-)

Comments

[snippy]

I don't find you repetitive, and I've had the same guilt. I haven't been well for a whole day since August of last year, and I don't post because it would be all negative. At least when you post I think about you for a minute instead of my own problems.

[stonebender]

Well, thanks I hope not to be boring. However I do post at times just to vent about what's going on with me or people I love. I try not to write too often when I'm having a bad time. I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It might be useful to post once in a while just to let people know you're still hanging in, if not doing great. I appreciate getting "status" reports from people I care about. I also find that people's kind responses to my yammering helps me feel a tiny bit better. I also find that it helps me to write where people will read me. The act of writing a post helps me put things in some kind of perspective and people replying always makes me feel a little less crappy. You should do what you feel helps you get through the day. Please don't take my comments as any kind of pressure to write. I'm just telling you a little about how it functions for me. I am not the greatest at reading other people's blogs on any regular basis, but I would be interested in hearing how things are going for you. Just saying. Thank you for your feedback here.

[serene]

Just a datapoint for both of you: I'd rather hear from my friends and family when things are hard if they're up for it than not hear from them at all.

Which is not to say you're responsible for my happiness. Well, Guy is, but not snippy so much. :-)

[redbird]

Sometimes life is repetitive. I'd rather hear about what's going on in your life, or what matters to you, than for you to pick a topic based on not having posted about it before.

I mean, if you want to post about horse domestication or your favorite colors, go for it, but don't feel like you owe us variety.

[stonebender]

Sometimes it really is repetitive. :-) Thanks for the kind comment. Now let me talk about red… (Had you worried for a second there, didn't I? :-)

Not worried at all.

[redbird]

Brick red? Scarlet? The red flag?

points to icon

[jesse_the_k]

blood, perhaps?

[serene]

Likewise.

[tiger_spot]

I'm sorry you've been feeling crummy. I will see you at FOGcon and I hope all the looking forward to parts happen and none of the dreading ones! (Anything I can help with?)

[stonebender]

I appreciate the offer, but the dreading comes from me. I'm just one of those people who is sure they will screw something up and, if I don't screw it up; I sometimes pick on the minutia that I didn't get right. I kind of set myself up to fail. I usually enjoy myself, but I'm not a natural extrovert. I'm more an introvert who wants to be extrovert. It's part of the reason I got involved in theater. Performing in front of people is the scariest thing for me to do, but once it's over it is such a tremendous high. Like I said earlier I seem to be moving out of the crummy stage. I look forward to seeing you and all my other friends.

[ljgeoff]

I *so* wish I could go to FOGcon this year! Do you go every year? I think what I'm going to do is alternate between FOGcon and wiscon. So next year would be my FOGcon year, and I'd love to see you. Also, I want to chime in and say I don't think that you sound repetitive. Like redbird said, that's life, hey?

[stonebender]

I've gone to every FOGcon from the beginning. I worked on many of them. Chaired two. Thanks for the kind comment. I hope to see you at 9.

[serene]

Shall we try again to make it to FOGcon together next year?

[jesse_the_k]

I appreciate whatever you have to say, and as you mentioned to snippy, posting is generally its own reward.

I feel you on that anticipation/dread mix: it's the hardest part of conrunning. I hope you're so happily busy you have no time for regrets. They'll enjoy the con that happens, nevermind the one y'all planned.