(no subject)

[stonebender]

Just stuff going through my head. I could just be .

I've got to figure out a way to socialize more. This is complicated by my being unable to enter or exit my house unassisted. Some adaptive equipment may be able to solve some of this. someotherguy has kindly offered to help me plan and install some X-10 devices that could help. I can't really start working on this until January.

wild_irises is going through a rough time and I'm worried about her. I'd say more but it's really her news to share or not as she wishes. We and other friends were going to the theater today, but she had to cancel. I'm still going, but it puts a bit of a pall over things.

I'm beginning to think that I have lost the ability to judge my response to things. Small arguments upset me out of proportion. I obsess over small mistakes. serenejournal thinks I'm alone too much. She's probably right, but I don't feel generally depressed. My emotions just seemed escalate quickly these days.

I’m considering quitting the board of CIL (The Center for Independent Living) again. I had recently got talked into a six-month hiatus after I offered my resignation. I've started going to meetings the last few months, but I feel really disconnected from everyone now. I know I'm burned out some. I need to find out what I should be doing was my life. I don't feel I have the tools for advocacy anymore, but I have a strong desire to "do good" for "be useful".

I keep calling myself a writer, but it's been forever since I sold anything. (Or sent any stories out actually). I feel like I should stop pretending or start sending things out. I think I'll stop here for now.

Comments

[pantryslut.livejournal.com]

I keep calling myself a writer, but it's been forever since I sold anything. (Or sent any stories out actually). I feel like I should stop pretending or start sending things out. I think I'll stop here for now.

A writer is someone who writes. Not someone who sells. Submitting is always a good idea, though.

[lcohen]

i hear that you don't feel generally depressed, but what makes you feel good? what in your life besides your partners is increasing your joy? does socializing energize you or drain you?

*general all-purpose hug*

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

*grin* I suppose you're right. Especially, the submitting things part.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

If you don't think you're alone too much, then neither do I; it was just a thought about what might be making you feel extra-sensitive to stuff. Seems like you're alone more than you used to be; C and I have both been extra-busy for the last few months. I don't know; I've only really known you for a year, so it's possible that I don't have a good handle on your normal cycles of socialness and hermitage.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

i hear that you don't feel generally depressed, but what makes you feel good?

Except for spending time with my loves (which I'm not doing very much of lately) I can't think of much that makes me happy. I like doing doing new things. Going to new places. I like feeling like I am contributing to the general good. I like being with people who seem to want to be with me.

what in your life besides your partners is increasing your joy? does socializing energize you or drain you?</>

Some kinds of socializing energizes me, some kinds don't. I'm not much for big parties, I can survive them but they're not fun. I don't mind small groups of people I like. I'm better with individuals. In the right circumstances I like to do scary things. I'm finding that I would (as immodest as this sounds) like to get some recognition for much of the political work I do. I seem to always be thanking people for helping me. I don't get thanked much.

*general all-purpose hug*

Thank you *hugs*

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean to intimate you were saying something that I didn't already think. I agree that I have been alone more than I care to be. I do tend to get depressed during the winter, but I'm not really depressed. I know how depression feels and that's not what's going on this time. I just seem to be having a hard time keeping things in perspective. The recent Alt.Poly thing bothered me so much more than it should have.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Do you think the fact that we gripe so much about that situation might make it worse?

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

If it where the only thing I'd agree. It isn't. I referred to it because its a situation you witnessed. I've had brain burps that turned into fights. Board disagreements that make me wanna quit. Normal stuff that blows up quickly.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

Yeah. When that happens to me, I find myself looking for physical reasons first, and then examining whether there's something I'm feeling fearful or anxious about. I'm not usually easily annoyed, so when I am, it makes me wonder what's wrong.