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stonebenderMy life stuff
I started this live journal mainly as another contact with a woman who is very important to me,serenejournal. I never really expected to write much. I call myself a writer. I have even made money at it a couple of times, but I don't really produce much. Once I had the journal, I thought it might encourage me to write more. It has to some extent, but not as much as I would like. I feel constrained by my own expectations. At one time I thought, I'd use the journal to rant about politics. I do rant on occasion but I don't get much feedback on those rants. I know getting comments shouldn't be the point but it's hard for me to write without any idea how my writing is being received. I certainly could talk about stuff going on in my life. I find that when stuff is happening, I don't feel compelled to write it and after it's done. Well, it feels pointless to write about it after it's over.
Much of what I feel compelled to write about on a personal level is pretty negative. Even though my life is going remarkably well right now. In fact better than it ever has. So I'm just going to write what comes to me today and see what happens.
My Political Work:
These days I'm concentrated on fighting the state budget cuts that Gov. Arnold is proposing. A large portion of my income comes from benefits. Mainly, Supplemental Security Income and Social Security Disability. I also receive IHSS which pays for the personal attendants I need to do things like get me out of bed, help me go to the bathroom etc. I happen to be using a subprogram of IHSS called The Residual Program (they used to call it Advanced Pay, but they changed it a few years ago. The new name was not encouraging). The difference between the Residual Program and the regular IHSS is that I get my check for the following month of attendant care. The Residual Program also pays family members who stay home to deliver attendant care to their disabled parents or children. The advantage, for me, is that when an attendant quits without notice (I've had to attendants quit I have money in hand to find someone to replace them. It's difficult to find somebody who will work for you for two weeks on an emergency basis until they get paid. People not on Residual Care get their check after attendant care has been delivered. The problem with residual care is that the money comes completely from the state. The rest of IHSS gets matching funds from the federal government. So residual care is often on the chopping block during budget crisis. Usually the cuts come in reducing the amount of attendant hours that are awarded to an individual (the county has a formula to assess how many hours are "needed") or by reducing the hourly rates attendants get paid. Now all of this is pretty much a fiction. County's notoriously under award hours and in most county's attendants only get paid minimum wage. The Governor was suggesting completely cutting the residual program. In his May rewrite of his proposed budget the residual program is no longer going to be cut completely but he is talking about cutting hours and benefits across the board for all IHSS attendants. Never mind that his own accounting office says that won't result in any real state savings. I'm frustrated because Arnold seems determined to undo all of the work people with disabilities of done in trying to improve the workplace for attendants and to get people with disabilities at the negotiating table when hours, benefits and wages were discussed at the state level.
In my spiritual life: I'm feeling a little disconnected from any community. The folk I was working with before don't seem to suit me. They were pretty "non-traditional " in their approach to my faith. It seems that most other groups are more traditional. Even though I've been practicing for over six years, I don't think I would fit in those groups. So I'm stuck as a solo practitioner, which isn't exactly my preference. I also feel a little sad for losing many of friends which I don't have much of a connection with anymore.
I started this live journal mainly as another contact with a woman who is very important to me,
serenejournal. I never really expected to write much. I call myself a writer. I have even made money at it a couple of times, but I don't really produce much. Once I had the journal, I thought it might encourage me to write more. It has to some extent, but not as much as I would like. I feel constrained by my own expectations. At one time I thought, I'd use the journal to rant about politics. I do rant on occasion but I don't get much feedback on those rants. I know getting comments shouldn't be the point but it's hard for me to write without any idea how my writing is being received. I certainly could talk about stuff going on in my life. I find that when stuff is happening, I don't feel compelled to write it and after it's done. Well, it feels pointless to write about it after it's over.Much of what I feel compelled to write about on a personal level is pretty negative. Even though my life is going remarkably well right now. In fact better than it ever has. So I'm just going to write what comes to me today and see what happens.
My Political Work:
These days I'm concentrated on fighting the state budget cuts that Gov. Arnold is proposing. A large portion of my income comes from benefits. Mainly, Supplemental Security Income and Social Security Disability. I also receive IHSS which pays for the personal attendants I need to do things like get me out of bed, help me go to the bathroom etc. I happen to be using a subprogram of IHSS called The Residual Program (they used to call it Advanced Pay, but they changed it a few years ago. The new name was not encouraging). The difference between the Residual Program and the regular IHSS is that I get my check for the following month of attendant care. The Residual Program also pays family members who stay home to deliver attendant care to their disabled parents or children. The advantage, for me, is that when an attendant quits without notice (I've had to attendants quit I have money in hand to find someone to replace them. It's difficult to find somebody who will work for you for two weeks on an emergency basis until they get paid. People not on Residual Care get their check after attendant care has been delivered. The problem with residual care is that the money comes completely from the state. The rest of IHSS gets matching funds from the federal government. So residual care is often on the chopping block during budget crisis. Usually the cuts come in reducing the amount of attendant hours that are awarded to an individual (the county has a formula to assess how many hours are "needed") or by reducing the hourly rates attendants get paid. Now all of this is pretty much a fiction. County's notoriously under award hours and in most county's attendants only get paid minimum wage. The Governor was suggesting completely cutting the residual program. In his May rewrite of his proposed budget the residual program is no longer going to be cut completely but he is talking about cutting hours and benefits across the board for all IHSS attendants. Never mind that his own accounting office says that won't result in any real state savings. I'm frustrated because Arnold seems determined to undo all of the work people with disabilities of done in trying to improve the workplace for attendants and to get people with disabilities at the negotiating table when hours, benefits and wages were discussed at the state level.
In my spiritual life: I'm feeling a little disconnected from any community. The folk I was working with before don't seem to suit me. They were pretty "non-traditional " in their approach to my faith. It seems that most other groups are more traditional. Even though I've been practicing for over six years, I don't think I would fit in those groups. So I'm stuck as a solo practitioner, which isn't exactly my preference. I also feel a little sad for losing many of friends which I don't have much of a connection with anymore.
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life stuff
Date: 2004-05-20 06:34 pm (UTC)*nod*. that is actually why i started writing a semi-public journal (semi- as in, it's mostly meant for everyone i already know, which is also why i don't call it a blog; philosophically it isn't one). i have moved a lot during my life, and while once i was really good at keeping in touch via letters and email, i now suck at it (effing depression). people drift away from me, and this seemed like a reasonable way to at least give them a chance to stay somewhat in touch with me. i try to write a little bit of something every day, no matter how mundane it seems -- i know i like reading that sort of thing from friends. and now and then a really great email discussion springs up from one of those posts i make. this is much, much better than drifting apart, and the daily effort is a relatively small price to pay for that.
on political rants -- i tend to stay away from getting involved in those these days. either i already agree (i should probably say "you go!" then, but i still have trouble with comments that are that content-free), or i disagree, and LJ is IMO not the sort of forum in which one can have a deeply involved discussion, and i don't appreciate myself much when i end up flaming instead. i've also found that i get too nitpicky when i basically agree, and that doesn't help most people. so, i now rarely say anything. politics leaves me feeling profoundly helpless -- like it really doesn't matter one whit what i think; the world is run by people who have very little in common with me, and it seems the best i can hope for is to fly under their radar so they leave me in peace.
the state budget cuts sounds frustrating. i wonder whether mr. schwarzenegger is simply not informed about the issues people with disabilities face every day. how do you fight that sort of thing; do you write letters?
Re: life stuff
Date: 2004-05-21 10:44 am (UTC)*nod*. that is actually why i started writing a semi-public journal (semi- as in, it's mostly meant for everyone i already know, which is also why i don't call it a blog; philosophically it isn't one). i have moved a lot during my life, and while once i was really good at keeping in touch via letters and email, i now suck at it (effing depression).
*nod* that makes sense to me. Are you taking care of yourself around the depression?
*snip*
on political rants -- i tend to stay away from getting involved in those these days. either i already agree (i should probably say "you go!" then, but i still have trouble with comments that are that content-free),
I know what you mean and I'm not sure what I expect as a response to my polital rants. I just know when no one responds its hard for me not to feel ignored. I know its irrational and I'm working on it.
or i disagree, and LJ is IMO not the sort of forum in which one can have a deeply involved discussion, and i don't appreciate myself much when i end up flaming instead. i've also found that i get too nitpicky when i basically agree, and that doesn't help most people. so, i now rarely say anything. politics leaves me feeling profoundly helpless -- like it really doesn't matter one whit what i think; the world is run by people who have very little in common with me, and it seems the best i can hope for is to fly under their radar so they leave me in peace.
I'm completely simpathetic. I guess I just keep hoping if I can get enough people active politically, the world would change for the better.
the state budget cuts sounds frustrating. i wonder whether mr. schwarzenegger is simply not informed about the issues people with disabilities face every day. how do you fight that sort of thing; do you write letters?
Its *very* frustrating. Given the language in the budget and how he has proposed "quality control" in IHSS, I'm guessing he knows exactly what he's doing. I think, he thought, most folk wouldn't notice his reform/distruction of the IHSS program. I'm hoping he's mistaken. I'm also hoping that our phone calls and letters will get Arnold to realize cutting IHSS won't help the state deficit and will actually worsen it.