The Evil Twin

[stonebender]

I was with serenejournal on a movie date, when I found myself saying something terrible about a woman I saw
on the street. I wish this was an isolated incident but I do find myself every now and then saying something terrible about a stranger. I don't usually say it loud enough for anyone to hear (especially the person I'm commenting on) but I still say it. I don't feel good about it and I wish I knew why I do it. It's almost like there's someone else in me, with a a reservoir of anger, hate, petty bitterness that needs to leak out. An evil twin that must make himself known every couple of years (OK maybe every couple of months). I'm not trying to avoid responsibility. I know the evil twin is a part of me and I take full responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find a way to distract him or get him to just shut up. His actions don't make me feel any better about myself. In fact, his "ventings" live with a me constantly. All out of proportion to their importance. I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people? I assume my evil twin comes from some internalized family bull shit. I come from a fairly intolerant family. Not my immediate family so much, but grandparents, and uncles etc. weren't the most enlightened individuals. Anyway, this is what has been bothering me a great deal this last week especially.

Comments

[firecat]

I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people?

I don't have shame about my nasty mutterings as long as I say them in such a way that they don't end up hurting others. But I do have extremely strong shame about things I've said or done in public that I later perceive as dorky or demanding or attention-seeking - even if there were no bad results at the time. There are two annoying things about this. One is that it prevents me from speaking up or asking for things at times. Two is that I have these moments of feeling bad about memories of things that happened as long ago as pre-kindergarten, for pete's sake - stuff that no one else remembers and that doesn't matter any more; hell, it might not even have happened at all, given the vagaries of memory.

Yes, I do also remember things I did that hurt others more than I remember things I did that help others. I think that is a pervasive habit of negativity that I learned from my family and that holds on because of my own depressive tendencies. I can usually think my way out of this one.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

But I do have extremely strong shame about things I've said or done in public that I later perceive as dorky or demanding or attention-seeking - even if there were no bad results at the time.

I certainly get this too. I guess it bothers me more if there were bad results, but my actions bother me even without bad results. I just think that I should be able to do better. Somehow kicking myself around about it, although completely counterproductive, is a natural reaction from me.

There are two annoying things about this. One is that it prevents me from speaking up or asking for things at times. Two is that I have these moments of feeling bad about memories of things that happened as long ago as pre-kindergarten, for pete's sake - stuff that no one else remembers and that doesn't matter any more; hell, it might not even have happened at all, given the vagaries of memory.

Oh boy, seeble that big time!

Yes, I do also remember things I did that hurt others more than I remember things I did that help others. I think that is a pervasive habit of negativity that I learned from my family and that holds on because of my own depressive tendencies. I can usually think my way out of this one.

I can think my way through it enough to avoid not doing things, but it doesn't ever stop me from feeling bad about it. Damn catholicism.

[firecat]

I've been working with Buddhist-type meditation and have had some interesting results on the habitual negative self-talk, although it doesn't make it go away entirely.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Humm. Did some Transcendental Meditation years and years ago. Maybe I should look into Buddhist techniques. Thanks for the suggestion.

[firecat]

I'm especially finding techniques mentioned in Charlotte Joko Beck's Everyday Zen helpful.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the recommendation.