The Evil Twin

[stonebender]

I was with serenejournal on a movie date, when I found myself saying something terrible about a woman I saw
on the street. I wish this was an isolated incident but I do find myself every now and then saying something terrible about a stranger. I don't usually say it loud enough for anyone to hear (especially the person I'm commenting on) but I still say it. I don't feel good about it and I wish I knew why I do it. It's almost like there's someone else in me, with a a reservoir of anger, hate, petty bitterness that needs to leak out. An evil twin that must make himself known every couple of years (OK maybe every couple of months). I'm not trying to avoid responsibility. I know the evil twin is a part of me and I take full responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find a way to distract him or get him to just shut up. His actions don't make me feel any better about myself. In fact, his "ventings" live with a me constantly. All out of proportion to their importance. I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people? I assume my evil twin comes from some internalized family bull shit. I come from a fairly intolerant family. Not my immediate family so much, but grandparents, and uncles etc. weren't the most enlightened individuals. Anyway, this is what has been bothering me a great deal this last week especially.

Comments

[firecat]

I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people?

I don't have shame about my nasty mutterings as long as I say them in such a way that they don't end up hurting others. But I do have extremely strong shame about things I've said or done in public that I later perceive as dorky or demanding or attention-seeking - even if there were no bad results at the time. There are two annoying things about this. One is that it prevents me from speaking up or asking for things at times. Two is that I have these moments of feeling bad about memories of things that happened as long ago as pre-kindergarten, for pete's sake - stuff that no one else remembers and that doesn't matter any more; hell, it might not even have happened at all, given the vagaries of memory.

Yes, I do also remember things I did that hurt others more than I remember things I did that help others. I think that is a pervasive habit of negativity that I learned from my family and that holds on because of my own depressive tendencies. I can usually think my way out of this one.

Re: The Evil Twin

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i tend to think of myself as the evil twin who has a good one inside. :)

i say bad things about strangers all the time, ranging from muttering "you damn moron, what do you think your TURN SIGNAL is for, decoration?" to wishing 98% of mankind gone from this planet (which, naturally, leaves myself and everyone i like in the remaining 2%, *snrk*).

i used to worry a lot about that, thinking i might be a sociopath. however, my actions tend to show that i am not, as do my feelings about people who actually go around killing others. i've decided that venting fulfills a useful function for me, and, while i try to replace it with physical actions, that isn't always possible, and as long as i don't vent in a way that hurts another person, it's acceptable. i take pretty good care that when i actually explode at somebody, i have good reasons, and am not just venting. and i have strict rules about atonement.

part of why i keep a private journal is to account for how i act, so that i can't edit my own history retroactively. i want to be an ethical person, but i no longer require perfection from myself. that might be a cop-out, but i was never actually able to define "perfection", and it's logically not possible to strive for a goal i can't even define. now i require that i atone, even for venting, and i've been moving the atonement closer and closer to the vent, in time. i am sorta hoping that i can eventually merge the two in some way, but i am not pushing it.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

But I do have extremely strong shame about things I've said or done in public that I later perceive as dorky or demanding or attention-seeking - even if there were no bad results at the time.

I certainly get this too. I guess it bothers me more if there were bad results, but my actions bother me even without bad results. I just think that I should be able to do better. Somehow kicking myself around about it, although completely counterproductive, is a natural reaction from me.

There are two annoying things about this. One is that it prevents me from speaking up or asking for things at times. Two is that I have these moments of feeling bad about memories of things that happened as long ago as pre-kindergarten, for pete's sake - stuff that no one else remembers and that doesn't matter any more; hell, it might not even have happened at all, given the vagaries of memory.

Oh boy, seeble that big time!

Yes, I do also remember things I did that hurt others more than I remember things I did that help others. I think that is a pervasive habit of negativity that I learned from my family and that holds on because of my own depressive tendencies. I can usually think my way out of this one.

I can think my way through it enough to avoid not doing things, but it doesn't ever stop me from feeling bad about it. Damn catholicism.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

My questions are about why this bothers you so much, and how you feel about other people who do it. If you knew that someone walking by you on the street was thinking or muttering something uncharitable about you, and not showing that reaction to you, how would that make you feel? If you knew that the person you were with was having that reaction to a stranger you both were passing, and not showing it to you or the stranger, how would that make you feel?

Also, would it make a difference if you thought of this set of behaviors as part of yourself rather than as an evil twin? What kind of a difference?

Speaking for myself, this is a place where I embrace the values I was brought up with as part of Judaism: you're not responsible for your feelings, only for your actions. So if I think uncharitably and act charitably, I'm in good grace with the world. I can get upset with myself over an uncharitable thought or reaction (and I have many), but I don't get into the kind of extended and deep self-criticism that you describe.

I would love to see you let yourself off the hook ... and I imagine that's one thing you're trying to learn how to do with this post.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

My questions are about why this bothers you so much, and how you feel about other people who do it.

Why because I'm beautiful and perfect! :-) I suspect some of it is because I want to think I'm a good person and I have somehow decided that if I have any negative feelings I'm not being the loving person that my Catholic upbringing tells me I'm supposed to be. A completely unrealistic goal, but there it is.

If you knew that someone walking by you on the street was thinking or muttering something uncharitable about you, and not showing that reaction to you, how would that make you feel? If I thought they were right, I'd feel bad. If I didn't agree with them, I wouldn't be bothered at all.

If you knew that the person you were with was having that reaction to a stranger you both were passing, and not showing it to you or the stranger, how would that make you feel?

I guess I wouldn't feel one way or the other about it. Nobody is being hurt so I guess it doesn't matter.

Also, would it make a difference if you thought of this set of behaviors as part of yourself rather than as an evil twin? What kind of a difference?

I think I'm completely clear that the evil twin is me. I am not disassociated. It's me. It's just a part of me that I'm not proud of.

Speaking for myself, this is a place where I embrace the values I was brought up with as part of Judaism: you're not responsible for your feelings, only for your actions. So if I think uncharitably and act charitably, I'm in good grace with the world. I can get upset with myself over an uncharitable thought or reaction (and I have many), but I don't get into the kind of extended and deep self-criticism that you describe.

Intellectually, I am completely with you. How I get there emotionally is the trick for me I think.

I would love to see you let yourself off the hook ... and I imagine that's one thing you're trying to learn how to do with this post.

*sigh* Yep!

[firecat]

I've been working with Buddhist-type meditation and have had some interesting results on the habitual negative self-talk, although it doesn't make it go away entirely.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Humm. Did some Transcendental Meditation years and years ago. Maybe I should look into Buddhist techniques. Thanks for the suggestion.

Re: The Evil Twin

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Atonement is a really important concept to consider. I've some thinking to do. Thank you piranha. IMHO You have a very impressive good twin inside.

[firecat]

I'm especially finding techniques mentioned in Charlotte Joko Beck's Everyday Zen helpful.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the recommendation.