The Evil Twin

[stonebender]

I was with serenejournal on a movie date, when I found myself saying something terrible about a woman I saw
on the street. I wish this was an isolated incident but I do find myself every now and then saying something terrible about a stranger. I don't usually say it loud enough for anyone to hear (especially the person I'm commenting on) but I still say it. I don't feel good about it and I wish I knew why I do it. It's almost like there's someone else in me, with a a reservoir of anger, hate, petty bitterness that needs to leak out. An evil twin that must make himself known every couple of years (OK maybe every couple of months). I'm not trying to avoid responsibility. I know the evil twin is a part of me and I take full responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find a way to distract him or get him to just shut up. His actions don't make me feel any better about myself. In fact, his "ventings" live with a me constantly. All out of proportion to their importance. I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people? I assume my evil twin comes from some internalized family bull shit. I come from a fairly intolerant family. Not my immediate family so much, but grandparents, and uncles etc. weren't the most enlightened individuals. Anyway, this is what has been bothering me a great deal this last week especially.

Comments

Re: The Evil Twin

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i tend to think of myself as the evil twin who has a good one inside. :)

i say bad things about strangers all the time, ranging from muttering "you damn moron, what do you think your TURN SIGNAL is for, decoration?" to wishing 98% of mankind gone from this planet (which, naturally, leaves myself and everyone i like in the remaining 2%, *snrk*).

i used to worry a lot about that, thinking i might be a sociopath. however, my actions tend to show that i am not, as do my feelings about people who actually go around killing others. i've decided that venting fulfills a useful function for me, and, while i try to replace it with physical actions, that isn't always possible, and as long as i don't vent in a way that hurts another person, it's acceptable. i take pretty good care that when i actually explode at somebody, i have good reasons, and am not just venting. and i have strict rules about atonement.

part of why i keep a private journal is to account for how i act, so that i can't edit my own history retroactively. i want to be an ethical person, but i no longer require perfection from myself. that might be a cop-out, but i was never actually able to define "perfection", and it's logically not possible to strive for a goal i can't even define. now i require that i atone, even for venting, and i've been moving the atonement closer and closer to the vent, in time. i am sorta hoping that i can eventually merge the two in some way, but i am not pushing it.

Re: The Evil Twin

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Atonement is a really important concept to consider. I've some thinking to do. Thank you piranha. IMHO You have a very impressive good twin inside.