The Evil Twin

[stonebender]

I was with serenejournal on a movie date, when I found myself saying something terrible about a woman I saw
on the street. I wish this was an isolated incident but I do find myself every now and then saying something terrible about a stranger. I don't usually say it loud enough for anyone to hear (especially the person I'm commenting on) but I still say it. I don't feel good about it and I wish I knew why I do it. It's almost like there's someone else in me, with a a reservoir of anger, hate, petty bitterness that needs to leak out. An evil twin that must make himself known every couple of years (OK maybe every couple of months). I'm not trying to avoid responsibility. I know the evil twin is a part of me and I take full responsibility for his actions. I just wish I could find a way to distract him or get him to just shut up. His actions don't make me feel any better about myself. In fact, his "ventings" live with a me constantly. All out of proportion to their importance. I remember the evil twin's mutterings more profoundly than any more charitable act I accomplish in my life. Does this happen to other people? I assume my evil twin comes from some internalized family bull shit. I come from a fairly intolerant family. Not my immediate family so much, but grandparents, and uncles etc. weren't the most enlightened individuals. Anyway, this is what has been bothering me a great deal this last week especially.

Comments

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

My questions are about why this bothers you so much, and how you feel about other people who do it.

Why because I'm beautiful and perfect! :-) I suspect some of it is because I want to think I'm a good person and I have somehow decided that if I have any negative feelings I'm not being the loving person that my Catholic upbringing tells me I'm supposed to be. A completely unrealistic goal, but there it is.

If you knew that someone walking by you on the street was thinking or muttering something uncharitable about you, and not showing that reaction to you, how would that make you feel? If I thought they were right, I'd feel bad. If I didn't agree with them, I wouldn't be bothered at all.

If you knew that the person you were with was having that reaction to a stranger you both were passing, and not showing it to you or the stranger, how would that make you feel?

I guess I wouldn't feel one way or the other about it. Nobody is being hurt so I guess it doesn't matter.

Also, would it make a difference if you thought of this set of behaviors as part of yourself rather than as an evil twin? What kind of a difference?

I think I'm completely clear that the evil twin is me. I am not disassociated. It's me. It's just a part of me that I'm not proud of.

Speaking for myself, this is a place where I embrace the values I was brought up with as part of Judaism: you're not responsible for your feelings, only for your actions. So if I think uncharitably and act charitably, I'm in good grace with the world. I can get upset with myself over an uncharitable thought or reaction (and I have many), but I don't get into the kind of extended and deep self-criticism that you describe.

Intellectually, I am completely with you. How I get there emotionally is the trick for me I think.

I would love to see you let yourself off the hook ... and I imagine that's one thing you're trying to learn how to do with this post.

*sigh* Yep!