I shouldn't post when I'm sad

[stonebender]

I wish there was a way to back out of a discussion without leaving it "tainted". Any of the established ways I had seen for ending a discussion without agreement feels like a tacit agreement or continued disagreement. Which seems to lead towards bad feelings in my experience. A partner of mine suggested the term "tabling" a discussion like in Roberts Rules. Which might work. A way to suspend discussion until the participating parties are up to continuing a discussion constructively.

I've been alone more than I would like recently. My LDR has helped some with that, we e-mail almost constantly during the week. The weekend is a little spottier contact wise. Although, she did call me today, which was a great surprise. :-) My live-in partner is pretty unavailable during the weekend's. Which makes my weekends pretty solitary, except for the bi-monthly visits from my LDR. Due to health issues from my live-in partner's partner, I've needed to rely on my self. Meaning, I've been alone more than I would like.

I've been thinking probably too much about ex's of mine. Well, one ex really and one woman I pined over even though we never really had anything more than a friendship (who am I kidding, we weren't even friends). *sigh*

Anyone ever Google the names of ex's or am I the only one? I found out that my not really ex has a new last name. The last word I heard from her was she had fallen in love with her therapist. I wonder if she married her or did she marry someone else? I also found out that she has become a therapist herself.

The other woman that I think of as my ex, dumped me after a couple of months. She has a livejournal that I don't look at much. It feels weird to have people in your life that once were so very close to you, but now are as good as strangers. One of the reasons I think of myself Poly is, I'm not very good at not loving people I have fallen in love with. Even though we don't talk or see each other any more I have a weird phantom pain for them. Even though they're not with me anymore, I feel connected to them. I wish they would call me and let me know what's going on with them. I wish they would welcome a call from me.

Comments

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you posted while sad, if it helped you to talk about some of this stuff. Plus, it made me think about exes and stuff, so I'm glad of that, as well.

When I was just getting together with cute-poet-chick, (you know this story, but I'll tell it anyway) I had recently spent a week or so with an ex, who I tend to call Naked Guy. During that visit, he said that he had really been hoping that I would be fatter, by which it turned out he meant he kinda wished I had bigger tits. He compared it to ordering a four-layer lasagne and getting a cheese pizza instead. I felt dumb for having my feelings hurt, because he was just telling me how he felt, and I didn't tell him at the time.

We were talking a while later and he wanted to set up a time to get together again (and have sex). I told him that I was seeing cute-poet-chick and attempting a period of sexual monogamy. He asked some questions, and I ended up saying that I wasn't sure I would want to have sex with him again, even if I weren't in a monogamous agreement at the time. I didn't hear from him again after that, and I felt bad about losing a friend over not wanting to have sex with him (we hadn't been in love; we had been sexual/romantic friends).

A long time later, I wrote to wish him a happy birthday and express that I was sad we hadn't kept in touch. He wrote back and said that he had felt rejected by me. I didn't know what to say about that. I mean, I *had* rejected him, but it had been my reaction to feeling rejected myself, and I didn't know how to say that without sounding accusing. I sat on that email for a lonnnnnng time, talked it over with my partner, and deleted it. Another long time later, I wrote to him and apologized for never answering his mail. He wrote back and said thanks for the apology, and he wishes me well, but doesn't want to have a friendship with me. I felt like at least I had closure, so I wrote to him and told him that worked for me, and wished him well.

Anyway, I am sometimes sad that I'm not friends with my exes (with the exception of yummy vegan boy, who I've yet to meet), but I can look at the Naked Guy situation and feel like even the one that didn't end in friendship was basically handled in a friendly way. I dunno; maybe I'm just grabbing at straws, but it really comforts me to know that none of my exes hate me.

So I guess I'm glad I contacted him, even if it meant we just got to figure out that we're not going to be friends in the end.