I shouldn't post when I'm sad

[stonebender]

I wish there was a way to back out of a discussion without leaving it "tainted". Any of the established ways I had seen for ending a discussion without agreement feels like a tacit agreement or continued disagreement. Which seems to lead towards bad feelings in my experience. A partner of mine suggested the term "tabling" a discussion like in Roberts Rules. Which might work. A way to suspend discussion until the participating parties are up to continuing a discussion constructively.

I've been alone more than I would like recently. My LDR has helped some with that, we e-mail almost constantly during the week. The weekend is a little spottier contact wise. Although, she did call me today, which was a great surprise. :-) My live-in partner is pretty unavailable during the weekend's. Which makes my weekends pretty solitary, except for the bi-monthly visits from my LDR. Due to health issues from my live-in partner's partner, I've needed to rely on my self. Meaning, I've been alone more than I would like.

I've been thinking probably too much about ex's of mine. Well, one ex really and one woman I pined over even though we never really had anything more than a friendship (who am I kidding, we weren't even friends). *sigh*

Anyone ever Google the names of ex's or am I the only one? I found out that my not really ex has a new last name. The last word I heard from her was she had fallen in love with her therapist. I wonder if she married her or did she marry someone else? I also found out that she has become a therapist herself.

The other woman that I think of as my ex, dumped me after a couple of months. She has a livejournal that I don't look at much. It feels weird to have people in your life that once were so very close to you, but now are as good as strangers. One of the reasons I think of myself Poly is, I'm not very good at not loving people I have fallen in love with. Even though we don't talk or see each other any more I have a weird phantom pain for them. Even though they're not with me anymore, I feel connected to them. I wish they would call me and let me know what's going on with them. I wish they would welcome a call from me.

Comments

[lcohen]

i'm not poly, but i still love many of the people who i was once in love with--i just don't love them romantically or have any sexual desire for them. i have three main exes and all of them are still part of my life to some extent, even though in one case the parting was far from amicable. after the relationships were over, i was invited to the wedding of one them's sister, to the funeral of one's grandmother who i was close to when we were together--i've written in my LJ about visiting one of them's mother who is dying of cancer. i consider them family--probably around the level of cousin.

i don't know if that's because the relationships were longer than it sounds like the ones that you are describing were, or if it is such a total part of lesbian culture to try to stay friends with your exes (post cooling off/getting over being angry period, in many cases), or if your exes actually would be glad to hear from you at this point and it's just a lack of confidence that tells you otherwise. i guess you'd have to make it clear that you weren't looking to resume/start a relationship or else getting in touch might not be welcome, but a "hi, i was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing these days?" call doesn't sound too terrible, unless one or both of them told you never to call them or come anywhere near them again.

*hug* cause you're feeling lonesome

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

i'm not poly, but i still love many of the people who i was once in love with--i just don't love them romantically or have any sexual desire for them.

I didn't mean to suggest my feeling were exclusive to poly. I just ment that I used to think it was a "feature" of poly that one didn't have to separate from loved ones. A silly notion, I admit.

I guess I still want to love them romantically, even now.

i have three main exes and all of them are still part of my life to some extent, even though in one case the parting was far from amicable. after the relationships were over, i was invited to the wedding of one them's sister, to the funeral of one's grandmother who i was close to when we were together--i've written in my LJ about visiting one of them's mother who is dying of cancer. i consider them family--probably around the level of cousin.

That's amazing to me. You should be proud of that.

i don't know if that's because the relationships were longer than it sounds like the ones that you are describing were,

I seem to do really long relationships or very short. My live in SO is 20 years and counting. My Ex and I were involved a few months. The other "ex" was more wishful thinking, but we dated a few times.

or if it is such a total part of lesbian culture to try to stay friends with your exes (post cooling off/getting over being angry period, in many cases), or if your exes actually would be glad to hear from you at this point and it's just a lack of confidence that tells you otherwise.

Both are possible.

i guess you'd have to make it clear that you weren't looking to resume/start a relationship or else getting in touch might not be welcome, but a "hi, i was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing these days?" call doesn't sound too terrible, unless one or both of them told you never to call them or come anywhere near them again.

They weren't that definite. I'll consider taking a shot.

*hug* cause you're feeling lonesome

Thank you.

I understand completely....

[kshandra]

I'm really big on maintaining good relationships with my exes. I tried contacting my high-school fiance a couple of years ago; we traded emails, but I think I managed to sound like I was blowing him off in my reply, so it went nowhere. (I did have a lovely dinner with his best friend from that era, otoh.) But the ones I still see regularly in social situations I've managed to stay friendly with. I've even managed to mend fences recently with one LDR that imploded horribly, which was nice.

Re: I understand completely....

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

That's great!

[kimberly-a.livejournal.com]

Anyone ever Google the names of ex's or am I the only one?

You are definitely not alone in this. I've Googled all of my exes at various times, just wondering what's up with them. In general, I've been frustrated at the lack of info online about the particular people I want to know about. Yes, I already knew that Man 1 was a doctor in San Francisco. Tell me something about what he's been doing lately! And yeah, I know that Man 2 did such-and-such 10 years ago. Sigh.

The longer it's been since I've had contact with someone, the more likely I am to find interesting info online about them. I found great stuff about some of my old high school crushes, for example.

One of the reasons I think of myself Poly is, I'm not very good at not loving people I have fallen in love with. Even though we don't talk or see each other any more I have a weird phantom pain for them. Even though they're not with me anymore, I feel connected to them. I wish they would call me and let me know what's going on with them. I wish they would welcome a call from me.

I'm much the same way. There are only one or two people I've been in love with to whom I don't still feel some amount of connection. Being in love is an altering experience for me; I'm not the same afterward. My connection to that person has changed me, and will always be a part of who I am from now on.

I'm still quite friendly with some of my exes; I actively avoid others (who hurt me too terribly); and others actively avoid me (probably because I hurt them too terribly). Well, okay, only one actively avoids me, that I know of. But I still care about all of them, very much. They're still a part of my life, on some level, even if I'm not a part of theirs.

For me, the love doesn't go away, even after the "in love" does.

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

I never stop quoting Romanovsky and Phillips. From their song "Closing Chapter":

Now I try to learn to call you my ex-lover
But how do you ex-love someone?

I also love to (try to, anyway) look people up online -- I found out that way that a former partner had played on two CDs, so I bought them. And I can definitely get depressed about people no longer being in my life. And I should have gone to sleep hours ago.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Great quote!

[pyrzqxgl.livejournal.com]

Well in that case you get the whole song. :-) (Though as you can imagine it's better to actually *hear* it.)

It's not a simple case of breaking up
One chapter's closed, another has begun
Now I try to learn to call you my ex-lover
But how do you ex-love someone?

Are you a friend or foe or just a ghost?
I see the hurt so deep within your eyes
But the love runs deep as the river of our sorrow
With currents just as strong as family ties

All the men I've ever loved
Remain a part of me for good
I can't let them go completely
Even when my heart knows I should

Don't think it's easy for me
To watch our hopes turn to shattered dreams
It takes time to sincerely say goodbye
And it takes time for dreams to die

But I won't forget the way you held me tight
Not even if we're ever far apart
And the love we lost will in time be rediscovered
In another corner of the heart

All the men I've ever loved
Remain a part of me for good
I can't let them go completely
Even when my heart knows I should

I recommend the album/CD/tape the song is from, too -- "Be Political Not Polite" -- it's one of my favorites.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'll look it up!

[firecat]

Anyone ever Google the names of ex's

Yep. It's a good way to stay in touch with someone I'm too chicken to actually contact.

I still care about many of my ex's but I haven't maintained friendships with any of them. Friendly acquaintances in some cases.

[stonebender.livejournal.com]

That's encouraging. I don't feel quite so pathetic.

[serenejournal.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you posted while sad, if it helped you to talk about some of this stuff. Plus, it made me think about exes and stuff, so I'm glad of that, as well.

When I was just getting together with cute-poet-chick, (you know this story, but I'll tell it anyway) I had recently spent a week or so with an ex, who I tend to call Naked Guy. During that visit, he said that he had really been hoping that I would be fatter, by which it turned out he meant he kinda wished I had bigger tits. He compared it to ordering a four-layer lasagne and getting a cheese pizza instead. I felt dumb for having my feelings hurt, because he was just telling me how he felt, and I didn't tell him at the time.

We were talking a while later and he wanted to set up a time to get together again (and have sex). I told him that I was seeing cute-poet-chick and attempting a period of sexual monogamy. He asked some questions, and I ended up saying that I wasn't sure I would want to have sex with him again, even if I weren't in a monogamous agreement at the time. I didn't hear from him again after that, and I felt bad about losing a friend over not wanting to have sex with him (we hadn't been in love; we had been sexual/romantic friends).

A long time later, I wrote to wish him a happy birthday and express that I was sad we hadn't kept in touch. He wrote back and said that he had felt rejected by me. I didn't know what to say about that. I mean, I *had* rejected him, but it had been my reaction to feeling rejected myself, and I didn't know how to say that without sounding accusing. I sat on that email for a lonnnnnng time, talked it over with my partner, and deleted it. Another long time later, I wrote to him and apologized for never answering his mail. He wrote back and said thanks for the apology, and he wishes me well, but doesn't want to have a friendship with me. I felt like at least I had closure, so I wrote to him and told him that worked for me, and wished him well.

Anyway, I am sometimes sad that I'm not friends with my exes (with the exception of yummy vegan boy, who I've yet to meet), but I can look at the Naked Guy situation and feel like even the one that didn't end in friendship was basically handled in a friendly way. I dunno; maybe I'm just grabbing at straws, but it really comforts me to know that none of my exes hate me.

So I guess I'm glad I contacted him, even if it meant we just got to figure out that we're not going to be friends in the end.